A Gold Star Mother and Marine Corps Widow Honors Her Son and Husband’s Legacies Through the USO

By Danielle DeSimone

“I honor my fallen warriors, who once walked through USO Centers, by smiling at, greeting and offering assistance to a new generation of military service members and their families.”

– Deborah Tainsh. E-mail. May 27, 2024.

Each time Deborah Tainsh walks through the doors of the USO Center in Gulfport, Mississippi, to start her shift as a USO Volunteer, she thinks of the service members in her life: her husband and her son. Both have passed away – one from an illness that resulted from service, and the other killed in the line of duty – but both remain a fixture in Deborah’s life and are the reason why she drives to this USO Center three times a week.

As a Gold Star Mother and a U.S. Marine Corps widow, Deborah knows all too well the sacrifices that military families make on a daily basis. And that is precisely why she is committed to supporting today’s generation of service members, military spouses and military children in her community through the USO.

This is Deborah’s story – but it is very much also David’s story, and Patrick’s story. It is the story of a family that, against all odds, fought to be together, and to be there for each other.

“I wanted to let you know some things that are most important to me, as a volunteer, to make a difference in lives that cross the threshold at Gulfport. Along with a welcome and a smile, I do a few significant things when opportunity allows that I believe can make a big difference to anyone. I inquire, ‘Where is home and family for you?’ This usually brings a smile from them and shows I care about who they are as a person, away from the familiarity of home.”

– Deborah Tainsh. E-mail. June 8, 2024.

Deborah was born and raised near Columbus, Georgia, just down the road from Fort Moore. When she first met her soon-to-be-husband David in 1983, she was busy working and raising her son from her previous marriage, Phillip, who was 10 years old at the time. She was focused on keeping score at Phillip’s little league baseball game when a mutual friend introduced her to David. Over the course of the weekend, Deborah and David continued to accidentally run into each other around town, and by the third run-in, David asked her out on a date. Deborah agreed.

“It was serendipitous,” Deborah said.

U.S. Marine Corps Sgt. Maj. David Tainsh, who also was divorced, was 10 years older than Deborah and had already served 18 years in the Marine Corps, with a deployment to Vietnam with the since-deactivated 9th Marine Regiment under his belt. He had proactively enlisted in the Marine Corps before he had the chance to be drafted in the Vietnam War because he wanted the opportunity to choose which branch he’d join.

According to Deborah, David – who had grown up in Columbus, Georgia, next to U.S. Army bases – explained his decision to join the Marine Corps instead with a bit of a joke: “He’d say, ‘I figured if I had to go die, I wanted to be wearing the best uniform.’”

After two weeks, David had to return to Quantico, Virginia, where he was stationed. The pair dated long-distance for three months; then, David sent Deborah an engagement ring in the mail (she accepted). Soon after, he was stationed at Camp Pendleton, in Oceanside, California, where he and Deborah married. And so, the two, and their sons, became a family.

Together, Deborah, David, Phillip and David’s son Patrick from his previous marriage (who was 13 years old at the time) settled into their new life together in Oceanside, California. David continued to serve and deploy with the Marines – he served in both Operation Desert Shield and Operation Desert Storm – as Deborah held down the fort back home. While David was gone for months at a time in his role of sergeant major, Deborah juggled her job, taking care of their sons and attending college night classes in business, as well as the responsibilities of her role as the spouse of the senior enlisted Marine in the unit.

As the senior enlisted spouse, she worked alongside the commanding officer’s spouse to provide resources for their fellow military spouses, who banded together to support one another through deployments. Aside from sharing communications and updates that they received from their spouse’s deployed unit via snail mail, the group also spent time together. Deborah explained that hosting her fellow MilSpouses and their children at her home remains one of her fondest memories from her time as the senior enlisted spouse.

“My love was making sure I did my part on the home front while he was doing whatever he needed to do across the world,” she explained.

After 28 years in the Marine Corps, Sgt. Maj. David Tainsh retired out of the military and took on a job as a counselor in the juvenile justice system of Orange County, California. As a former foster child himself, David was especially suited for this kind of work, and his leadership among young Marines also helped him guide youth in the juvenile system.

“Part of the reason I’m so proud to have been his wife is, to this day, I still get messages from former Marines who served under him, telling me how he helped make them a better man,” Deborah said. “To have those kinds of things sent to me after his passing, to see the impact a loved one has made on others’ lives … it makes him bigger than life to me.”

David’s experience with guiding young people during challenging times was also crucial on the home front, with his son Patrick. Patrick, who Deborah calls her “bonus son,” struggled to find his way in his youth. His journey from David and Deborah’s “rebel kid” to decorated Army soldier was not without its challenges, but in the end, it was – according to Deborah – exactly where he wanted to be.

“I just want you to know that I’ve always looked up to you. As a man I’ve always wanted to be like you and be successful. It may have not happened on your timeline like you would’ve liked, but I wanted certain things then. I’ve made some bad choices in my life, but I don’t regret it one bit. Sometimes people have to learn from the mistakes they make. That’s part of life. Learning right from wrong, either the hard way or the easy way. I just also want you to know that I’ve always loved you and appreciate the things you’ve done or tried to do for me. Sometimes it was hard to say thanks, but I was always thankful for you.”

– Patrick Tainsh. Letter to home in the event of his death.

Patrick’s teenage years were challenging ones. David and Patrick’s birth mother divorced when he was young, and as he navigated a new life with separated parents, Patrick also had to deal with his father’s multiple deployments, which can be challenging for military children. Soon after David and Deborah were married, they got full custody of Patrick; then, sadly, Patrick’s birth mother passed away just three years later when he was 16 years old.

Much like other teenagers, Patrick responded by “rebelling.” He had ups and downs, such as skipping school to surf (his favorite pastime), drug use and drug rehabilitation, dropping out of high school and later experiencing homelessness. But Patrick was also very bright and intelligent. Growing up by the ocean in both North Carolina and California, he loved skateboarding, surfing and being in the water.

Through all of his struggles, Deborah and David stood by Patrick and attempted to be there for him. At one point, Patrick found himself living in his broken-down car, and it was in this moment that he called home asking for help. David brought him home and set some boundaries with Patrick, and it was the wake-up call that he needed.

Patrick finally accepted the help his father and stepmother had been offering him and “cleaned his act up,” according to Deborah. In just one year, Patrick stopped his drug use, earned his GED and then, at the age of 29, joined the U.S. Army.

“When he came and told his daddy he wanted to join the Army, his dad said, ‘Son, we don’t care what you join, as long as you’ve got a focus and you feel like that can give you the life that you need,’” Deborah said. “The irony was that he had always sworn as a teenager that he would never follow his dad’s footsteps into the military.”

Starting his career in the Army in 2000 after completing basic training at Fort Knox, Kentucky, Patrick became an armored 19 Delta Cavalry Scout with the Second Calvary Regiment of the U.S. Army, largely responsible for reconnaissance. And here, he found his purpose.

“He loved it,” Deborah said. “He ate, slept and breathed it.”

Patrick was then deployed to Iraq on April 1, 2003, out of Fort Johnson, Louisiana, just weeks after the Iraq War broke out and thousands of U.S. troops responded.

“Our lives changed forever after he deployed to Iraq,” Deborah said.

“It’s weird, Dad, to be at war. These people are so oppressed that to see the kids living like this hurts. I cried the other day when two kids asked for food and I couldn’t give it to them. We are very close to Baghdad, and sometimes you can hear the bombers overhead. I am glad to be here with these guys. They are really good men. Aside from lack of sleep we are all doing well. Gotta go. Write back.”

– Patrick Tainsh. Letter to home, written near Nasiriya, Iraq. April 7, 2003.

Patrick was promoted to the rank of sergeant the day he got on the plane to Iraq. Throughout his months of deployment in the Middle East, Patrick conducted patrols and engaged the enemy, earning quite the reputation as a skilled Cavalry Scout and gunner as he manned the machine gun atop his commander’s vehicle.

Through it all, Patrick continued to write home to his family, updating them on what he was doing and how he was navigating it all.

Then, on a reconnaissance mission on February 11, 2004, Patrick’s convoy of Humvees was struck by an improvised explosive device (IED), and then a rocket-propelled grenade attack, while on a road outside of Baghdad International Airport. As insurgents fired on his vehicle, Patrick returned fire – even while sustaining a fatal wound. Patrick continued to fight back, determined to provide cover for his fellow soldiers, and it wasn’t until the fighting had ended that he finally informed his commander that he had been hit. Despite all attempts to save him, Patrick passed away in the arms of his commander, just one month before he was scheduled to return home.

“We received the knock on our door at 6 a.m. on February 12 and after the casualty assistance officer left, my husband started blaming himself,” Deborah said. “David was saying, ‘If I hadn’t stayed in the military so long, if I had been with him more …’ and I said ‘No honey, you can’t think like that. We could have lost him on drugs behind a garbage dumpster somewhere.’ That’s where you start looking at the big picture.”

“He was a true redemption story.”

U.S. Army Sgt. Patrick Tainsh was posthumously awarded with the Purple Heart, the Bronze Star and the Silver Star, which is the third-highest military combat decoration that can be awarded to a member of the Armed Forces, and is awarded for gallantry and courage while engaged in combat against an enemy of the United States.

“No one wants to lose a child – and people lose them every day to one thing or the other of all ages – but this is our story,” Deborah said. “And this was Patrick’s story, and he was doing exactly what he had decided he loved doing, and he wouldn’t have had it any other way.”

“I’m writing you this letter because something went wrong. It may or may not have been my fault, but it was time. I just want you to know I tried to do the right thing, I came here to help some people out who couldn’t help the situation that they were subject to. Maybe someday they will be able to enjoy freedom as we do.”

– Patrick Tainsh. Letter to home in the event of his death.

In the years that followed, David and Deborah leaned on one another in their grief. They founded their own nonprofit, Hearts for Military Heroes, in honor of Patrick. The nonprofit supported and advocated for returning war veterans, as well as provided grief support services for Gold Star Families. Barracks for new Cavalry Scouts on Fort Moore were named “Tainsh Barracks” in Patrick’s honor, keeping his memory alive within the Cavalry community in which he served.

Deborah wrote several books about Patrick’s journey, as well as her and David’s navigation of their grief – and the grief shared by all military families who have lost a loved one in the line of duty. Deborah also became a national speaker in support of active-duty service members, veterans and Gold Star families, becoming an especially prominent member of the Gold Star Family community.

“We Gold Star Families love our military better than anybody because we know the high price they pay,” she said.

Through it all, Deborah and David never stopped talking about Patrick, remembering him fondly and honoring his memory. Deborah explained that – like many other Gold Star Mothers – she often finds that people are hesitant to discuss Patrick with her, for fear of upsetting her. But she and her fellow Gold Star parents believe that by continuing to talk about their loved ones, they, as survivors, are able to keep their memories alive.

“One of the things we Gold Star moms have tried to educate people on is that when you don’t acknowledge us, they’re dead. When you acknowledge us, they’re alive.”

And so, two decades later, Deborah continues to do just that – she keeps Patrick’s memory alive every time she volunteers at the USO. Here, surrounded by younger generations of people in uniform, she is once again a part of the military community that she loves so much. And in honor of Patrick and David, she gives back to them in any way she can.

“In my 10 years as an active-duty wife, I watched my husband pack for numerous deployments, 6-12 months long, and coped with his post-Vietnam War service PTSD. And as a mom, I watched a son drive away from home for the last time to deploy to the war in Iraq, which he returned from beneath a flag.

I carry their service and my purpose onward via the USO, which provides me with an opportunity to help make a difference through supporting a new generation. Because I get it, I’ve lived it.”

– Deborah Tainsh. E-mail. June 8, 2024.

U.S. Marine Corps Sgt. Maj. (Ret.) David Tainsh passed away in December 2014 from lung and brain cancer associated with Agent Orange in Vietnam, and now Deborah had two memories to uphold. She continued to speak out about Patrick’s life and passing, and about David’s service in the Marines, all while remaining close with her own remaining son Phillip, who currently resides in Columbus, Georgia.

When Deborah moved to Gulfport, Mississippi, in 2022 alone, she spent a great deal of time thinking about how she was going to spend her time and began researching local volunteer opportunities. On a whim, she looked up the USO to see if there were any local Centers she could volunteer at, as she remembered that she and David used to visit USO airport Centers during his time in service. Deborah was delighted to find that there was a nearby USO Center on a local installation.

“When I discovered there was actually [a USO Center] on the Navy base, I thought, ‘This is what I want to try.’”

Deborah began volunteering at the USO Center in July 2023 and fell in love with it, driving to the Naval Construction Battalion Center three times a week for her shifts. Here, she can interact directly with young service members and military families who utilize the USO as a place of respite and support.

Like most of our other 250 USO Centers around the globe, the USO Center at NCBC Gulfport is outfitted with comfortable couches, TVs, gaming systems, free Wi-Fi and computer access, snacks and more. The Center also hosts regular events throughout the week to provide activities for service members and military family members alike, as well as to promote a sense of community.

USO Volunteers play a large role in making these USO Centers a welcoming space that the people who serve, and their loved ones, can turn to and feel comfortable in while there. That’s why Deborah’s work is so crucial – and why she is so good at it.

After all, Deborah explained, she knows what it’s like to be a member of the military community. She knows what her husband and “bonus son” went through while in service. As a result, she’s uniquely equipped to provide these service members with support.

“I know what Patrick and David had to have felt when they were away from home, so I want current service members to feel that they are special and appreciated while they are miles away from home and family,” she said. “I’m here to give them a smile and say, ‘Hey, I know your mom misses you, but I know she’s proud of you.’”

With no nearby family and no grandchildren of her own, Deborah sees these service members as her own children and grandchildren. She loves to give them advice and words of encouragement to help them get through their days, and in doing so, she keeps the legacy of her husband David alive.

“I love inspiring young people. When these young men and women come in and out of [the Center] and end up chit chatting, I can remember things that my husband would say to young troops. And so, it’s like I can give them a message that I know he would give to encourage them.”

Deborah puts in a great deal of effort to get to know the service members and military families that come through the USO Center’s doors. From genuinely asking them how their day is going, to attempting to provide advice on how to file their taxes, to listening to them talk about home, to sharing her understanding of how challenging life in the military can be, Deborah is an unwavering source of support for this military community. And they, in turn, have supported her.

Deborah explained that being around these service members and military family members makes her feel energized.

“They give me energy. I don’t find many people in my age group that give me that kind of energy because they feel like life is already over with – but no, life ain’t over with yet!” Deborah laughed. “I want to be around positive energetic forces, and to hear those kids laugh, tell their jokes with one another … being around that youthfulness makes me feel good. I just smile nonstop when I’m out there, because it’s a new generation that I can talk with, laugh with, encourage them. It’s family for me.”

Deborah especially loves the fact that she sees many of the same service members coming into the Center each week, and that she has had a chance to build friendships with them, as well as with her fellow volunteers – some of whom are retired military themselves.

“Doing what I do at the Navy base at the USO Center has made a world of difference in my life. Becoming a USO volunteer at NCBC Gulfport has provided a quality and joy to my life that I’ve lacked for the 10 years since my husband’s death,” Deborah said. “And I know people who haven’t been where I’ve been can’t understand it, but it’s given me everything I need. I again feel a part of my military family. I have a purpose of serving my military families.”

And being a part of that military community can be important for Gold Star Mothers such as Deborah, as there is often a lack of understanding between civilians and military community members. This is called the “military-civilian divide” – that is, the growing social and cultural gap between civilians and the people who serve. This lack of understanding of the realities of military life can lead to many service members and military family members feeling forgotten by the general American public. The people who serve sacrifice so much – from the toll of their daily duties, to the many moves they make around the world, to the distance between loved ones, to even the ultimate sacrifice. To have those sacrifices overlooked, it can be difficult for these service members and military families to remain resilient, or to connect with the civilian world around them.

“I wish that civilians who are disconnected from the military, or have never been a part of a military family, who have never been able to look through the doors and lives of military families … I wish that they could at least try to become empathetic to the things that military families face,” Deborah shared.

But here at the USO, Deborah can extend that empathy to the service members and military families she supports. Here, she understands their troubles more than they may even know and she is there to provide a kind, listening ear and a supportive space where they can take a break from the daily stressors of military life. The USO community in Gulfport has benefitted from Deborah’s volunteer work just as much as she has benefitted from being a part of it.

“Without the USO, I might still be adrift in grief and without affirmed purpose. Without the USO, those passing through our doors would be missing an incredible Center with many wonderful volunteers that help meet some of our troops’ simplest daily needs, and most importantly, provide a welcoming smile,” Deborah said.

“I’m lighter in heart knowing I’m carrying forward the legacies of my heroes as I give smiles, a welcome and time to this new generation of military personnel who will continue to serve and protect me and others in our nation and around the world.”

David and Patrick’s legacies are distinct, but equally important. One is of unwavering commitment, of leadership, of a love for family and helping those that come after you. The other legacy is that of finding your path, of never giving up despite the obstacles, of acknowledging your mistakes and being willing to make the changes you need for a better life.

Through Deborah, both her husband and son’s time in uniform is not forgotten. Their sacrifices – and her own sacrifices as a military spouse and Gold Star Mother – are honored each day she steps through the USO Center doors and provides a supportive, helping hand to the next generation of service members and military family members. And each time she passes on words of wisdom that David would’ve shared, or tells a funny story about Patrick’s verve for life, these two men live on.

“It’s been so many years for me now since they’ve passed, and it’s a joy for me – and for any of us who have lost someone we love – to be able to talk about them because it was a part of our life that’ll never go away,” Deborah said. “If we are not able to tell our stories, then they really do die. And that’s our motto among the Gold Star Families. As long as we call their names, as long as we tell the stories, they are not dead.”

“Just remember me for who I used to be and for who I am known as now. Someone who was given an inch but took 10 miles, someone who lived life to its fullest and who didn’t fear the consequence of danger. Someone who lived through tough times only because he wanted them that way, but turned his life around because he wanted a different definition of fun in his life, his job as a U.S. Cavalry Scout.

Someone who loved surfing, music, women, his family and his father.

Until we meet again, my heart, soul and love are with you. Don’t ever forget that.

Love your son,

Patrick”

– Patrick Tainsh. Letter to home in the event of his death.

Are you interested in giving back to the people who serve and volunteering with the USO? Learn more about what it means to be a USO Volunteer and if there is a USO Center near you by clicking here.